As some of you might know, I won a competition to be pampered by Audi UK at Silverstone. It was a hard fought competition that went all the way down to the wire but let’s just say it was clinched when I uttered the words “oh fcuk yeah, mate, I’ll go”. Right, with my competition winning techniques out of the way, it’s on with my ramblings.
Apparently the real reason for this “experience” was so Audi could start making contact with Audi enthusiasts via on-line forums and other digital/social media. In the absence of a plan (honestly, they didn’t seem to have a plan but there was a lot of corporate speak and buzz words), they admitted that there wasn’t a solid plan but they really wanted ‘our feedback’. I have a mixed interpretation to this, I’ll fully admit that I love the day spent with Audi at Silverstone BUT there was very little time to connect with any of the key people so they could receive the brunt of my scorn take on my feedback. It was a compressed day that saw little interaction other than “how’s your day going”? Not a bad thing, it just seemed at odds with the theme.
Anyways, hopefully we’ll see Audi bods actually ‘reaching out’ for ‘some blue-sky thinking’ on how we can ‘synergise our core competencies’ in ‘going forward’. That said, I wasn’t their target, PhilT was and he was pretty clear on what they should be doing. They were interested in his thoughts and he was making sure RS246 would receive the appropriate inclusion. What a shame the other forums didn’t have such an intrepid leader…
There was also a full film crew on-site all day and half of the cars were rigged with internal and external cameras, I look forward to seeing the footage, if any is usable, Phil and I were acting like school boys let loose in a porn shop.
Where to begin?
So, in a galaxy far far away, after a rather ridiculously busy week, I received a cheeky txt from Phil asking if I was excited, in truth, I wasn’t. I was too engrossed with the business and baby_bam is becoming increasingly demanding at home, there just weren’t enough hours in the week to go gallivanting around a racetrack. Ah, the weight of 1st world problems getting me down. The ‘big’ day came and I woke up at bird’s fart Friday morning, I smashed two double espressos and hauled my carcass out to Darth, who, I must say, was lookin’ good. He had a full tank of V-Bastard, 4L of meth and the summer Pilot Super Sticky Sports were back on. If I wasn’t to enjoy the Audi hospitality, then at least I’d enjoy the beast while stretching its legs and a giving a much needed Italian tune.
I set off at 06:00 on the dot and the MP3 gods decided my journey would commence with “10 Seconds Down” - ahhh this is gunna be good, I thought. To make it better, upon turning off the end of my street, I hit the ‘zoorst switch so I could wake up the world while driving up Barnet hill, no more than 5 secs later, a txt flashed up on the phone “you’re an arsehole”, from lady_bam. The trip to Silverstone was very smooth but there weren’t any petrolheads found along the way to play with, bummer. I took a few mild detours because I was very early, the most fun being the A505 and the cut through sleepy Blissworth in second gear with full noise. The A505 saw 4th gear wound out and it’s been a very long time since I’ve ticked that box, I was certainly wide awake now. A little later I pulled into Silverstone circuit with the valves open and I was given directions by a very bemused old matey. The car park was full of oldschool grey/silver/black B5s, S2s, S8s etc… oh and there was a white Datsun taking up far too much space.
After setting Phil straight regarding how my car actually has turbos, we decided to venture inside the main building for breakfast. It seems registration had to occur before we could stuff our face with free food. In sidling up to the desk, we were met with lovely Audi girl (later to be renamed) and asked for our driver licence. It was revealed that Phil didn’t have his paper counterpart so she’d have to call the doooovla. While she was on hold we struck up a conversation and it was asked if she did many of these Audi events, she answered “oh yes, but I mostly do Silverstone and Goodwood”, to which I dryly replied “yeah, you’re more of a Goodwood girl”. Without thinking she started to say thank you but quickly noticed my cheeky smile and said “oh my god, you’re being dirty, aren’t you?” It was at this point that Phil lost his sh1t laughing, she took it well, she certain gave Goodwood. Hence from this moment forward, she was referred to as Goodwood grrrl. There was nothing else interesting to consider, except maybe for the original McNish R8 in the corner.
Breakfast was smashed quickly then all participants were decamped to the mezzanine level for some tech briefing and track ‘rules’. It was at this point I realised that this was a little better than I was expecting, for two reasons.
Firstly, there wouldn’t be instructors in-car for any part of the day, all instruction would be given via radio. Brilliant!!!
Secondly, the new R8V10 plus was the star car. I knew we be driving the R8V10 but I’d reserved myself to believing it’d be the ‘old’ one… double brilliant!!!
So, briefing slept through, Phil and I buddied up and made a violent B line for the R8s. Once inside I had to pinch myself that it wasn’t sitting in a TT, it still ‘special enough’ and I later found that it was a much better place to be versus the TT. The instructor was the lead car and he set off with a chirp in heavy German accent through the radio for us to follow. I faltered straight away by somehow leaving the car in neutral, much to the amusement of Phil, oh how he laughed… something I got to later when he did it the same thing. Arriving at the exercise over on the far side of the track, the instructor explained that we were to accelerate up to 70mph while pointed at a cone trap, once we arrive at said cone trap we were to brake fully (firing the ABS) and then steer right to left avoiding the trap. He then demonstrated making it look very easy, it wasn’t. The first couple of times I braked too light and too early, it took 3 or 4 goes to it towards the limit, taking a longer run up each time. It was pretty amazing, I was standing on the brakes while turning through a good half turn and the car just did it, no dramas. The brakes were of particular note, I couldn’t tell any difference to a set of stealies, other than we did this test repeatedly for 30+mins without fade, not that stealies would’ve faded.
Phil’s 1st go through the ABS turning exercise, he struggled to get the concept… and he wasn’t smiling.
He got it.
Back to the main building we swapped over to the RS5 (with 1500 miles on the clock), the task this time was to drive the ‘correct’ line through one of the track sections. Starting out in the passenger seat this time, the ‘5 was a lovely place to be, the Recaro buckets were perfect even for the wider part of my back and it felt hune . Once we’d followed the instructor around while he gave pointers, we returned to the start point and were let loose. Phil gave it some and the first corner it felt very planted with good body control, then he stomped on the brakes for the second gear left/right, the rear was so mobile, even with ESC switched on, then again on the final right into left-hander, the rear pushing out nicely with possibly some inside wheel braking to tighten the line. It was a real surprise and I couldn’t wait for a run at it. We waited for the other guys in our group (AudiAddicts) to get to finish point so we could start the return run. On the return run the lads collected a marking cone which equalled much ridicule from both us and the instructor. A couple more runs were laid down by Phil and it was time to swap over, there’s not much else to say but I feckin’ love the RS5, it’s awesome. It felt so balanced and that’s with the ESC fully on! I don’t understand how it got bad press, it’s balanced and playful but we’re still able to keep a good line. Only a self-proclaimed drift king would turn one down, it was a very solid and confident drive when towards the limit, I’d image this car being most accessible on road. I’m destroyed now.
Round three was set to be a slalom using the TTRS plus. So, we drove back to Barbie’s house, slipped on our Daisy Duke cut off denim shorts, sprayed on a boob tube and lubed up for the greatest Audi butt-plug… ever made. It should be noted that the instructors were mad about this car, they sad it’d be the car they’d use to set a fast lap here. Interesting and more confirmation that I was about to drive the fastest car in the world. This was a simple slalom that had about 3-4 braking points including one sweeping hairpin and a ‘stop in the box’ finish. By the third cone the TTRS was in understeer mode, disappointing, it then understeered all the way around the hairpin and the engine laid down completely coming out of the hairpin. It wasn’t good and I found it hard to find rhythm, constantly fighting with the electrics, having no idea what the front tyre were up to didn’t help neither. However, we were determined to destroy this car and hadn’t dressed like sluts all for nothing. We got better with further instruction after each ‘lap’ and eventually we were able to keep the car from understeering or cutting ignition (well, most of the time) out of the hairpin. So, it was finally the timed run, we were counted in and we were off with a 5pot warble. Phil made an early error but recovered by the last two thirds. I can’t remember my run but couldn’t help thinking that the car was dead and standing on the brakes to pull it up was cruelty I’ve never before unleashed on a buttplug. The results in; Phil 28:6x, me 28:9x, fastest runs of the day.
This wasn’t a great car but there was still time to redeem itself.
Can I have mine in pink, please?
Phil receiving his first place prize.
Lunch was scoffed while a curvy lady from the Audi event management team was pumping us (mostly Phil) for ideas on how they could 'give back'. An Audi backed RS245 national meet was banded around, with maybe Audi using its muscle and contacts to procure a cool venue, maybe a track or whatever.
I canvassed an idea to have Audi offer "geek in a room" situations that are used in some technical disciplines within my industry. Law firms typically ask for round-table discussion to be held when they need to understand extremely technical concepts that are pivotal in litigation, to do this, they invite experts to sit with their team, there are no boring presentations, just a geek in a room that you can ask all the questions that are too hard to research on such a short timeline or you might be otherwise too embarrassed to ask.
Since we're an on-line forum, these geek-in-a-room sessions could be offered via a website. Much like what you see with interactive webcasts offered after Channel 4 documentaries etc.
There'd be an appropriate level Audi engineer available to answer queries we'd have before/after/during a car launch. Or maybe we could have a topic set as an agenda, say, the B7 intake manifold (snigger). Admittedly, it's not the best idea but I’d love it. So, my fellow forum-mongers, are there other ideas about how Audi could ‘give back’ to our beloved forum?
Lunch done and it was time for trackwork in the R8, I paired up with one of the new Audi UK marketing lads and he was first out. It became apparent after a near-hit along the back straight that talking and driving wasn't his strong suit, so I shut up. He made a few more mistakes (which he picked up on) but he was having fun, then he told me this was his trackday, I promptly shut up again. He was a nice chap though, hopefully he’ll make himself know on the forum at some point. Swapped time again and it was my turn, three corners in, I was hooked, the R8 stayed so flat during cornering with the front axel nailed down but had so much feel, if it did understeer wasn't a harsh feeling (probably due to it not having a motor slung four foot over the front wheels). All weight shifts were subtle but all communicated with great feedback, putting power down after an apex just felt so hooked up but not in a quattro way, so THIS is mid-engined rear-drive goodness. Lovely. BUT oddly it was the gearbox that had me bewildered. This gearbox was clipped to all of the other motors we drove that day but when bolted onto that V10, it makes a stupid amount sense, it was like being in the Matrix or changing gear with telekinesis.. The R8 obviously exploited the S-Tronic more than the other cars but instead of becoming less involving, I found it freed me to take notice of things I’d normally miss when “stirring the porridge” or wrestling with a glacial slow semi-auto. I could actually pick the exact spot on the track surface where I wanted it to up-shift, even dropping two cogs at once didn't fluster it, just amaz-fucken-ballz. And the up-change V10 fart followed by an ascending V10 howl was very addictive.
Not that I've driven the previous model R8 with either of its gearboxes but after driving this, I'd not want to, I’d suggest any pre-facelift owners abstain from driving it too. After swapping cars again I ended up in an R8 by myself which meant I could tear out cancer-curing farts (via the S-Tronic upshift, of course) and switch the ESC into 'sport' (a bit naughty). Wow, it was truly revealing as to how many times I was running into the electronics during a lap, but in a good way, it made the car a lot sharper but not necessarily faster, it almost too pointy for me. Also, under heavy braking the rear would jack up and slew about a little with the ESC on but it was controllable, well, at least I thought it was me controlling it. With the ESC on 'sport' I soon found out it was the electrics keeping the rear in shape, not the rally skills I thought I had. Under heavy brakes with ESC in sport the rear would just keep moving in one direction, the first time I was lucky the rear tried to overtake me on the right side going left into the back straight dog leg, I finished braking in my usual spot but the car was already pointed correctly so no need for turn-in, just jump on the gas with a brown stain in my pants. Next time I was almost ready for it but lost loads of speed correcting too much, third and last time the rear didn't move much at all as I made a real effort getting it straight before braking but I was out of position and slower through the dog leg. I was probably quicker with the ESC on, bummer, but I imagine with practice and talent, one could get the rear slewing into the correct direction every time setting the attitude for any corner and creating even more rhythm. I guess I’ll never know.
Three more laps down and another swap over, this time I was passenger with Phil at the helm, it wasn't as scary as being in the drivers seat and it was here that I concluded: owning one of these and not driving it on track is a waste of money, however, it'd cost you a bomb to run it on track (maybe, realistically, I have no idea, just guessing). My point is; you'd be lucky to exploit this car to 20% of it's capabilities on the road (cornering, straight line is different), and if you did, you'd look like a bankrobber but driving on track is so right but would be so expensive and of course risky, so what is this car for?
New R8V10 wheels as first seen on an RS5 mock up, I’d love ‘em… in titan.
After returning to docking ship Audi, we drank some coffee then slipped into something less comfortable, yes folks, a buttplug. The fastest buttplug in the world, a TTRS plus and what an average place it was to be. So out onto the track with Phil as passenger, both wearing our Daisy Dukes and nipple clamps, this time, I convinced Phil we needed to turn off ESC, he was hesitant but then crumbled and agreed to put it into 'sport' ESC. Away we went and from the off it was a completely different car, it was actually quiet good, I hate writing that but it was. It wasn’t as good as the RS5 or the R8V10 plus but it was actually a bit fun in the twisties, provided the corner setup and entry speed was bang on. The drivetrain was actually very good at tightening the line and direction changes were 10fold responsive over what we’d experienced in the slalom and ESC fully on. But for all of the power, the apparent lightness and the tricky drivetrain, it wasn't 'chuckable' like the '5 or poised like the R8 (an unfair comparison, admittedly). It seemed to me that the fantastic engine, the seamless gearbox and the ingenuous drivetrain were restricted by the chassis. It was still very quick and I guess you could live with it and figure out ways to drive around it (I know I have since owning a C5) but it was dull for something that's a coupe on sale for stupid money, for me, it had too narrow of an operating window before understeer had it squealing like a male model on deathrow.
The TTRS's were truly punished during the three sessions and we all swapped cars a number of times. After being out on my own Phil finally returned to the drivers seat in 'my' car, the brakes had gone on my last lap, did I tell him? Nope.
Before the end of the day we’d moved to a high speed lane change exercise in the RS5, with ESC fully off. The lane change was into wet road with a full lift off, there were some nice slides going on and it made the '5 feel pretty heavy. It was interesting to actually making an effort to put the car into that position and how quick you needed to get to the lock stops if you wanted to avoid losing it completely. Why we didn’t get full laps in the RS5 is a mystery, if I were to guess it’d be due to the heavier car being more greedy with consumables. It might be more susceptible to brake fade too, who knows but I’d love to spend more time with a ‘5 even though its completely impractical for my requirements.
In summing up: it was a fantastic day rinsing cars that weren't mine and that I’ll possibly never own. There were some genuine laughs had, eureka moments and many scowls delivered to the other forum members (also some quality banter with the top Audi Addicts chaps). The real stars were the instructors, these guys were shipped in from Germany, Austria and Czech, they were hardened old sifters and presented themselves without ego, which I found most refreshing. They just told you straight how it was and how it should be, which is completely at odds with how I normally experience driving instructors. I usually get some Northern slow talker that wants to highlight what I just did wrong, by telling me a dull story about how someone he knew died doing exactly what I just did, wrong. Doubly dull.
The “alone in the car with a radio” instruction was commendable; I wish it was always like that.
The cars:
The TTRS plus; I wouldn't have minded eating my words regarding this car and I might be doing that when the ESC was set to sport, it IS surprising, it IS very quick, it would've been setting times just as quick as the R8 on this short course. However, it constantly felt like the limits of the chassis were met before the capabilities of the drive-train were able to shine. In my opinion the weight distribution was all wrong, Audi probably did the best they could with the package but “it is what it is”, to coin a pointless cliché. Which is why it felt like a victim of its own design brief; an on-trend, safe FWD, designer coupe for the hair-dressing masses. In comparison to my 24hr test-drive with the RS3, with slightly more weight over the rear axel and skinner rear tyres, it felt like it enabled more 'sling 'n' swing' when throwing the car into a corner. Maybe a non-valid observation as I didn’t drive these two back-to-back, it's an observation, neither the less...
RS5; big, brawny, good front axel grip, mobile rear-end, great gearbox, great looks, great sound, lovely interior, surprisingly well balanced given its weight. Conclusion: I need to sell the C5 and get into one of these, really, it was that good. I can't help thinking what it'd be like if were boosted and had the gearbox relocated to the boot... an Audi GTR® perhaps?! Dreamz.
R8V10 plus; an incredibly capable car and it's hard to envisage getting anywhere near the limit on public roads, which somewhat taints the prospect of "would I have one" (gifted a lottery win). I guess you would but you'd need a track tucked away behind your mansion, because on track, it made you feel like a driving legend, it does pretty much whatever you want it to do. This was driven home further at the end of day during the hotlap, the instructors weren't much quicker (confirmed by them), they were just more efficient. I surmise that the S-Tronic unlocks all of the talents the R8 platform has to offer and serves them up for even easier exploration. It's an immense car and I feel very privileged to have spanked one.
I wonder if Audi will down-size the 4.2 to the 3.0T at the end of lifecycle - lighter, more torque, better emission (tuning would be interesting!), I think it'd be compelling. More dreamz.
Fini.
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