IIT - "Fully Loaded" therapy

[bam_bam]

Ok, so I'm sick (so so sick), of reading these full of crap car classifieds that I've finally decided to make a thread dedicated to mocking the prime examples. This is all to help with my anger management and as a part of my 'on-going therapy' and 'life-growth'. Plus, it beats stamping my feet and punching walls.

The 'rules' of this thread are simple:

- Rule 1 (photos). This isn't as important if it's still dressed in bog standard trim, however, if a ridiculous bodykit or multi-fit wheels are involved, then no excuses, photobucket that sh1t up!
- Copy/paste the bullshit text (this is important as the links won't survive forever)
- Link the classified (so everyone can bask in the "Fully Loaded" glory and observe the native habitat)
- Point out the bits that boil your blood or are otherwise ridiculous, this is important to help with our therapy
- Grammar Nazi behaviour is encouraged
- The term "Fully Loaded" doesn't have to be the defining feature but it will be treated as a bonus

There, that's it. Let's start our therapy...

[bam_bam]

This is my first step into therapy, it's a baby step.



420 bhp 2007 AUDI S4 QUATTRO AVANT - FULLY LOADED (2007)

2 owner much loved s4 If you are looking for a standard car this is definitely not for you please look away. This car has had a lot of money spent on it and drives and sounds amazing. Standard spec includes: Bi zenons - directional heated seats Voice control/ bt phone Front and rear parking sensors Half leather heated recaros Cd interchanger DRL - led bulbs Bose stereo 10 speaker system Directional Bi-zenons Centre arm rest Privacy Glass Current Spec ( I have 10k or receipts fromt he last 12 months on parts alone) New Porche Cayenne turbo front brakes with JH Motorsport conversion kit and new grooved disks and pads ( 2-3k ago) Miltek full system including sports cats - 5-7k ago Revo Stage 2 remap JH Motorsport inlet spacers ( cooler air) JH Motorsport Manifold Carbonio carbon fibre air box and air filter JH Motorsport uprated engine mounts, gearbox mounts and diff mounts JH Motorsport uprated RS4 anti roll bars - removes understeer and must sharper set up JH Motorsport stage 3+ Kevlar clutch ( 4k ago) JH Motorsport single mass fly wheel - revs faster RS4 pressure plate RS4 steering wheel with s4 badge RS4 pedals - in glove box H&R Springs Pirelli p zero rubber - 3-5k left Led rear lights ( i have the originals) JH Motorsport 3 part weighted quick shift kit New stat nav/ freeview tv / dvd / ipod doc recent new battery recent cam cover gaskets done Plus new bbs 19" wheels 18 mths ago The car is an ex police car and was subsequently maintained to the highest standards. I have subsequently over serviced it. It has some parking scuffs on front and rear bumpers that will be done before sale. i will also upload new pics of it having been professionally polished once the bumpers have been painted. Plate and bike rack not included unless requested.

PistonHeads Essentials
Front-Engined
Naturally Aspirated
4.2 Litres
V
8 Cylinders
420 BHP
370 Nm Torque
179 MPH Top Speed
0 to 62 in 4.5 Seconds
20.9 MPG
All Wheel Drive - Permanent
1 Previous Owner

=================================================================================

Ok, so let's look at why I hate this...

• 1. "The car is an ex police car and was subsequently maintained to the highest standards." - How is this a positive?!?!
  
  2. "I have subsequently over serviced it." - So this guy has gone to the extreme of under servicing, what kind of language is this?
  
  3. "in glove box H&R Springs Pirelli p zero rubber" - What does this mean?
  
  4. "It has some parking scuffs on front and rear bumpers that will be done before sale." - Why do people insist on writing this, why don't they just get it done, why bang on about it? I bet 99% of these "it'll get done before sale" things never get done.
  
  5. "420 bhp 2007 AUDI S4 QUATTRO AVANT - FULLY LOADED (2007)" - A bonus point for the title... "Fully Loaded". C-unit.

[Maximo]

Great start. I may have worked out what the over servicing is all about, he's changed the oil before it was due.

[bam_bam]

Yeah, most people just say "oil changed every 5000 miles" etc.
C-units say "over serviced".

[Rory]

I would not buy an ex police car - they rag the balls off their cars coz they don't own them! Plus - my mrs's dad is a policeman and I took him out in the RS4 when I first got it - even let him have a go (I thought "what's the harm he's an advanced driver etc.") I will not be letting him have another go! He was spanking it - you could tell he weren't paying for the fuel and then at full chat he miss shifted into 4th instead of 6th so it was bouncing off the limiter (gives an idea of the speed!). That would put me off straight away!

[Maximo]

RS6 MTM 535+ BHP 65K FSH 20k UPGRADE (2003)

Finished in Mugello Blue with Silver pearl leather piped in black,All options,MTM 535+ BHP 20K Up-grade this vehicle has had 40k spent on it in the last few years at QST the leading authority when it comes to any Rs Audi, including full milltec exhaust, KW coil overs (fully Adjustable) Hyperboost DV's,Large intercooler,fuel pump, injectors,air boxes, up-rated brakes all around, MTM Bimoto's 19's X 9.5 inch with 4 x new conti sports,Qst have carried out all modifications to this vehicle and have maintained it for the past 4 years regardless of cost(£40k in receipts) 10 months mot, 3 months tax, 2 keys and 4 books of history and receipts (old mot's ect) HPI clear with certificate,Tracker, Private Rs plate to remain with vehicle, Standard features include widescreen tv with dvd and navigation blue tooth with Bose sub and speakers ect, Rhapsody hard drive, alcantara headlining, Climate, traction,computer, cruise, 4 x heated seats, fronts are electric,7 disk cd player, usb reader, bi-xenon lights, pdc front and rear, solar sunroof (charges battery),New up rated 5 speed tiptronic gearbox (new in june 2012)with 12 months warranty, Cambelts replaced at 59k with full service,24/07/2012 gearbox rebuild with 12 mth warranty and full front end and roof re-spray at Qst, this car is perfect,call for full spec,just Mot'd and detailed, Amazing breathtaking performance,open 7 days by appointment usual dealer facilities all cards accepted and a choice of warranties.


PistonHeads Essentials
Front-Engined
Turbo
4.2 Litres
V
8 Cylinders
590 BHP
658 Nm Torque
210 MPH Top Speed
0 to 62 in 3.8 Seconds
20 MPG
All Wheel Drive - Permanent
2 Previous Owners

So this one is back again it seems. No need for a picture as the car looks OK and we all know what MTM wheels look like.

Here goes;

1. 20K Up-grade this vehicle has had 40k spent on it in the last few years Why do we need to know how much it's cost to mod & service the car?

2. Private Rs plate to remain with vehicle What's a private Rs plate? R55 DTB is just another number plate to me. This is where my blood boils, on the back of my RS6 it has a badge that tell's everyone that the model of car I have is an RS6, so why would I put number plate on my car that also has RS6 in it and then call it private. If the badge isn't big enough go get a bigger on. I'm not against private plate at all in fact I would like either of these; F70 GJM or FE51 GJM. Either are private to me and are very simple. F70 for February 1970, this is when I was born and GJM happen to be my initials. Hopefully now you understand the second plate.

3. solar sunroof (charges battery) No it doesn't. The alternator charges the battery like every other car.

4. Standard features include widescreen tv with dvd Not standard and the DVD is for the sat nav only.

Blimey this feels good.

[bam_bam]

RS6 MTM 535+ BHP 65K FSH 20k UPGRADE (2003)

Finished in Mugello Blue with Silver pearl leather piped in black,All options,MTM 535+ BHP 20K Up-grade this vehicle has had 40k spent on it in the last few years at QST the leading authority when it comes to any Rs Audi, including full milltec exhaust, KW coil overs (fully Adjustable) Hyperboost DV's,Large intercooler,fuel pump, injectors,air boxes, up-rated brakes all around, MTM Bimoto's 19's X 9.5 inch with 4 x new conti sports,Qst have carried out all modifications to this vehicle and have maintained it for the past 4 years regardless of cost(£40k in receipts) 10 months mot, 3 months tax, 2 keys and 4 books of history and receipts (old mot's ect) HPI clear with certificate,Tracker, Private Rs plate to remain with vehicle, Standard features include widescreen tv with dvd and navigation blue tooth with Bose sub and speakers ect, Rhapsody hard drive, alcantara headlining, Climate, traction,computer, cruise, 4 x heated seats, fronts are electric,7 disk cd player, usb reader, bi-xenon lights, pdc front and rear, solar sunroof (charges battery),New up rated 5 speed tiptronic gearbox (new in june 2012)with 12 months warranty, Cambelts replaced at 59k with full service,24/07/2012 gearbox rebuild with 12 mth warranty and full front end and roof re-spray at Qst, this car is perfect,call for full spec,just Mot'd and detailed, Amazing breathtaking performance,open 7 days by appointment usual dealer facilities all cards accepted and a choice of warranties.


PistonHeads Essentials
Front-Engined
Turbo
4.2 Litres
V
8 Cylinders
590 BHP
658 Nm Torque
210 MPH Top Speed
0 to 62 in 3.8 Seconds
20 MPG
All Wheel Drive - Permanent
2 Previous Owners

Wow - this one is alllll over the place and stinks of grade A bullshit.

1. It says "RS6 MTM 535+ BHP 65K FSH 20k UPGRADE (2003)" but then it goes on to list it as having 590HP and 658Nm, that's only 80Nm more than standard (450PS / 580Nm). It also says it was a £20k upgrade but then later goes on to explain £40k in receipts, just sprouting numbers all over the shop.

2. "...QST the leading authority when it comes to any Rs Audi..." - Really? That's a pretty bold statement.

3. "New up rated 5 speed tiptronic gearbox" - *Uprated... uprated to what?

4. "MTM 535+ BHP 20K Up-grade" - Really? The QST webshite states "535bhp - Milltek stainless steel down pipes and metal cats, uprated fuel system & gearbox program 730Nm = £4745.00 (or £6530.00 with full MTM components).

[Rory]

This used to really get to me with VW 'R's'... every option etc - FULLY LOADED:

http://www.pistonheads.com/sales/4011506.htm

VW Golf R 2010 in Candy White.

12 Months Road Tax & FSH

1st MOT not required for another year.

Options on this car is:

19" Talladega Wheels in Black
Leather Heated Sports Seats
DSG Gearbox
Xenon Headlights
Adaptive Headlights
Candy White
Black Leather Interior
Heated Front Seats
Parking Sensors front & rear with reversing camera.
Fully integrated VW Bluetooth system
Voice Control
Electric Folding Mirrors
DVD- Premium Media Player with Dynudio sound system upgrade
MDI includes USB and iPod connection cables
Cruise Control

I'm sure there are other items which I have not listed, anyone who's bought new from VW knows everything comes as an extra at a premium cost.

I'm sure the only extra we didn't spec was the Sat Nav. It has pretty much every other upgrade from new.

This car really is ready to go.

Thers is no finance on the car, please carry out an HPI check. I also welcome any inspection.

The bodywork is in great condition, and the car is detailed every other month.

There are a few age related chips thanks to the UK roads as to be expected driving on our poor quality roads.

Only negative point with the car is on the 'drivers side passenger door' when the door accidentally took a 160 degrees blast from a Karcher diesel power washer, this stripped a small layer of paint off.

The mark is around the size of a 50p piece.

Thanks for looking.


PistonHeads Essentials
Front-Engined
Turbo
2 Litres
4 Cylinders
270 BHP
0 to 62 in 5.5 Seconds
1 owner from new







PistonHeads Essentials •Front-Engined
•Turbo
•2 Litres
•4 Cylinders
•270 BHP
• 0 to 62 in 5.5 Seconds
•1 Previous Owner

The Detail •2010
•5 Doors
•Semi Automatic
•Petrol
•White

"I'm sure the only extra we didn't spec was the Sat Nav. It has pretty much every other upgrade from new" - erm NO... you are missing off the sunroof, the recaro sports heated seats and colour coded brake calipers.

"The car really is ready to go" - OK... whatever that means.

"The bodywork is in great condition, and the car is detailed every other month...There are a few age related chips thanks to the UK roads as to be expected driving on our poor quality roads.
Only negative point with the car is on the 'drivers side passenger door' when the door accidentally took a 160 degrees blast from a Karcher diesel power washer, this stripped a small layer of paint off.
The mark is around the size of a 50p piece." - So the bodywork isn't in that good condition considering the car is white and hides chip marks well but you still feel the need to mention them. Detailed every other month... poor car care knowledge. Accidentally took a hit from a Karcher... what the <beep> are you on about here?

This used to be a standard thing with the mk4 R32 - fully loaded, every option etc. only to find it was missing at least 3. bhp upgrades to 300bhp... nope not without going FI on them I'm afraid even with manifolds, cats, cat back, cams, intake and remap... you'll be lucky to hit 280bhp... they are the worst for advertising!

[bam_bam]

Candy White... is that actually a colour available for order. I wonder how many males actually ordered that?

Dealer: What colour do you want?
Buyer: Oh man, I'm really feelin' white cars at the moment.
Dealer: Great you can it in Candy White.
Buyer: Errrm, I'll have it in black, thanks.

[Rory]

Candy White... is that actually a colour available for order. I wonder how many males actually ordered that?

Dealer: What colour do you want?
Buyer: Oh man, I'm really feelin' white cars at the moment.
Dealer: Great you can it in Candy White.
Buyer: Errrm, I'll have it in black, thanks.

That is the actual colour name - its the standard colour as well. So add that to the list! Haha!