Jokes (work warning)

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johneroberts
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Jokes (work warning)

Post by johneroberts » Thu Sep 03, 2009 8:57 am

Father O'Conner keeps chickens behind the church in a coop. 1 Sunday he goes 2 feed them & finds the cock missing. He knows there's cock fighting in the village so at mass he asks the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stand up. "No. I meant has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stand up. "No, that's not what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?" 16 altar boys, 2 priests & a goat stood up!
:lol:


Teacher asks class 2 put the word contagious in a sentence.Ron says the measles r contagious.Kate says theres a bug going around and its contagious.Little Paddy says my neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and dad says it will take the cuntages! :D
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milistuart
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RE: Jokes (work warning)

Post by milistuart » Mon Oct 19, 2009 3:51 pm

1st one is Good double meaning Joke.

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RE: Jokes (work warning)

Post by johneroberts » Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:21 pm

My wife arrived home early to find me blow drying my cock!
she said "what on earth are you doing?"
i said "im warming your dinner up for you!. you ungrateful bitch"
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Keep the jokes flowing

Post by lushman » Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:47 pm

Two couples were playing poker one evening.. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed
and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'



Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.



She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this
afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly
asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd
stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
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RE: Keep the jokes flowing

Post by johneroberts » Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:14 pm

Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

          (1)        Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
                      "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(2)         New Zealand Rugby Commentator
        "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

(3)      Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator :
        "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

(4)     Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
       "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(5)     US PGA Commentator -
       "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that,
     before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!    what have I just said??"
(6)     Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
          "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

(7)      A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,  turned to the weatherman and asked,
           "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

(8)      Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
           "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

(9)      Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
              "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
(10)    Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports  
            "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
(11)       Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
           "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
(12)      Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
           "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
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