Joke thread

[sonny]

I'm not superstitious but my Friday 13th couldn't have got off to a worse start................ Having to wake up next to the wife

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BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines.......... Seems a bit sexist

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1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of buying Petro

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The DNA result for Osama Bin Laden has come back additionaly listing traces of coconut, cocoa, sugar and milk solids. An expert says this is probably due to the fact that he had a bounty on his head

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I dipped my cock in my girlfriends cornflakes this morning, she screamed, "That's disgusting, I have to eat that!" I said, "Yes, but you love the taste of cornflakes".

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10 things you should know about men:

1) We are lazy.


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The Norse heaven 'Valhalla' had three activities. Feasting, fighting and <beep>. One morning Thor the Mighty God of Thunder awoke and before putting on his battle armor he espied a particularly attractive Valkyrie crawling out of the naked heap. He figured there was enough time for a quick shag before the daily battle began so he introduced himself, "I'm Thor" he proudly boasted "Your thor?" she lisped. "I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

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[Steve_C]

Anagrams: Princess Diana = End is a car spin, Astronomer = Moon starer, Desperation = A rope ends it, The eyes = They see, Mother in law = Woman hitler
I've just had an email back from Screwfix.....they said they are not a dating agency.
Just got back from the World Erection Championships. I got through to the Semi's
Went to a bulimia convention last week. The place was heaving!
Bought a gallon of Tippex yesterday. Big mistake.

[sonny]

The 8 year old girl whose mother injected her with botox for a beauty pageant has been taken into care............ She didn't look surprised.
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I found a very expensive-looking pen on the floor so I asked my mate Paddy if it belonged to him. Paddy says "Give the fecker here and oi'll tell ya", He starts writing on a beer mat and says "Sure dat's my pen" .... "How so"? I asked. "Cos that's my writing, look"
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BBC News: 'Two Irish activists arrested on way to assasinate Queen'. Brian May cancels Dublin concert & offered police protection
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I decided to confide in my wife that I kept hearing voices coming from our electrical appliances. "What, the TV and Radio" she replied, sarcastically. "I told you she wouldn't <beep> believe you".................. shouted the kettle.
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My Nan's brilliant, I was at her house and Crimewatch was on TV with an appeal flashing up on screen with the words 'Have you seen this man?' she phoned the hotline and said "No"
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BBC NEWS: Titanic captain's cigar box found in Merseyside house........ And there you have it: ultimate proof that Scousers are the best thieves in the world.
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I hurt my back and was lying on the floor. "Can I do anything to help?" asked the wife, "Well they say oral sex can help relieve it" I said, with a cheeky grin. "Ok..." she giggled, and sat on my face.
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Walking back from the pub I noticed a rather attractive woman sat on her doorstep crying, it turns out she had locked her keys inside her house, so being the gentleman that I am, I offered to smash her back doors in............. And that Your Honour is how I ended up before you today
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BBC News : Head of the IMF being held in Rikers Island prison................. Ethan Hunt, your mission should you choose to accept it....
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I just dumped my Irish masseuse girlfriend, she was great looking, but she rubbed me up the wrong way.
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I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains........ I wonder what the other half is for?
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My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?
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My grandad had a stroke leaving half his face paralyzed and a distinct slur to his voice............ We've nicknamed him 'Shaggy'.
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My local pub is so rough, Tuesday's quiz night always starts with the same question - "Which one of you bastards spilled my pint?"
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I was in my garden having a barbecue last week and made an extra special bacon butty for my neighbour., "Here Abdullah," I said to their little boy over the fence, "give this to your dad and tell him from me he's still a <beep>!" "Why do you have to be so dis-respectful every time you do this?" he asked, "Well, it's your fault really, "In what way?" he asked. "When you were born I bet your dad 5,000 quid he wouldn't give his white son a muslim name."
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Walking home from the pub last night, all of a sudden I found myself face to face with a group of hopeless looking youths who looked like they'd do anything to get their hands on a bit of cash I singled out what I thought was their leader and said................. "Big Mac meal please, make it large"
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The waitress in the café served me a cuppa with a mass of tealeaves floating in it, so I sent it right back with a restraining order.
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Whats the difference between Ireland and Pakistan? Apparently nothing, they both accept billions of pounds of aid from Britain and show their appreciation by burning the Union Jack and threatening to blow up innocent people.
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As a normal man, I just need to get my 8 hours sleep a day................. and my 10 at night.
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My wife signed up for driving lessons a month ago and her instructor was a woman, she still can't drive but she can use my rear view mirror to do her make-up like a pro.
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Wow, this new "Planking" craze has really taken off....... The old lady next door has been lying face down in the middle of her patio for three days solid now.
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I don't know what's so good about this "planking" craze............... My wife's been doing it every saturday night for years.
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I noticed a lot of people queuing outside 'Waterstones' today so I asked the security guard what was going on, He said, "That pop duo 'Jedward' are doing a book signing." I said, "Where's the punchline?" He said, "There isn't one?" I said, "Great, does that mean I get to go first?"
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Football star Michael Owen has released a new fragrance................. It's called 'My cologne'.
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I've just got the job as ringside medical officer, I will be nursing the final of the girls naked mud wrestling contest..... I'll probably be nursing a 'semi' as well.
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What happened to the first Timbuk?
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Apparently Bin Laden had a huge porn collection, took sex supplements and hogged the TV remote......... He didn't hate Americans, he was practicing to be one.
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I shouted to my wife, 'Have you been <beep> about with the contrast on the tv again?'.......... Then I realised I was watching Arsenal v Chelsea.
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn....... I don't think it'll be the last time he'll be picking up the 'free soap' before being involved in a sexual assault.
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Facebook's only purpose these days is to remind me that some girl I fingered in School just turned 44.
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If I hadn't shagged that art student on a sheet of grease proof paper she'd never have traced me .
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I told a girl in a nightclub, 'I'm going to <beep> you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to my place'. She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.......... She didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan though.
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Stephen Hawking: "Heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark"..... And he wonders why God turned him into a dribbling spastic with an American accent?
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I definately do not have an OCD over tidiness............ (I just wanted to clear that up.)
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cute baby pig.................... I said no no, you're not listening.....
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I still can't believe what an opportunity I missed in Tenerife........... Apparently If you give 2 Euros to a tramp he really will kill your mother-in-law for you.
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When I'm shagging the wife I like to give her about 30 seconds warning before I'm going to come............. (Thats usually when I'm taking off my socks).
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I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house......... Then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.
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BBC NEWS: Camilla Parker-Bowles Great Grandfather was Norwegian....... That explains alot, she's got a face like a Norse
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I said to my wife, "How the <beep> did I end up married to you, I could have had any woman I pleased" She said, "Yes...... but you couldn't please any of them could you!"
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It didn't take me long to find out that 'shower head' has a totally different meaning in prison.
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My wife asked me my favourite sexual position....................... I said "behind your back"
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I went down to Specsavers today for an eye check up, Needless to say, being a bit of a ladies man I chatted up the receptionist.......... He said I definitely need glasses.
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Can't believe London's getting bomb threats from the IRA............. We gave Ireland 12 points at Eurovision. Ungrateful bastards.
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Eurovision; The paralympics of music.
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Israel gave the Germans 0 points in Eurovision....................... Jews never forget.
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Ok so we came 11th in the Eurovision Song Contest. But let's face it, it's not the first time we've bombed in Germany!
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I'm confident we'll win the Eurovision Song Contest next year, It's a short song, and it goes like this: "Vote for us, or we won't let you into our country"
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Eurovision: If I wanted to see a bunch of stupid foreigners who can't sing, I'd go to my daughters school musicals.
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BBC News: 'Obama to set out Mid-East Vision'............... Must they steal every single <beep> show we make?
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Apparently, there have been complaints about the film 'Kick-Ass' because a twelve year old girl uses the word '<beep>'. Honestly, these people are so out of touch; if I want to hear a twelve year old girl say '<beep>' I can just go to Liverpool. In fact the other day I heard an 11 year old girl say '<beep>' on the bus........
Although to be fair her child was behaving very badly.
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I have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I don't touch it........ just in case.
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I'm in a band called Designer Clothes.................We have our own label.
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Gadaffi has released an audio recording saying that he is somewhere that we cannot reach. He also called the UN taskfroce the "cowardly crusaders". Now, I'm no expert on cowardice, but I don't think the yellow bastard who runs and hides somewhere that other people can't get to is in the best position to call other people cowards
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I've found a cure for erectile dysfunction.................... Divorce.
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I'm in a band called Family Photo's.................... We've just finished our first album.
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Johnny: Sir, if I call you a <beep> will I get in trouble?
Teacher: Yes Johnny you will
Johnny: But if I just thought you were a <beep> there would be nothing you could do would there Sir?
Teacher: No I suppose not
Johnny: In that case Sir I think you're a <beep>.
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Once a week I cook something I don't want for tea and won't let myself watch football on TV..... Just to remind myself what it was like to be married.
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I think Viagra is hugely overrated these days, on average it takes about 30 minutes to take effect. By this time of course the woman has often wriggled free.
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What is the difference between VP and VIP?............ ask Joe Biden.
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I lost my job in the bookstore today, I moved all of Kate McCann's book into the 'Murder Mystery' section.
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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.
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A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door and asked if I'd like to let Jesus into my home........ "Jesus can come in" I said, "but you can <beep> off."

[PJC]

Very funny, you obviously have too much time on your hands.

[sonny]

Very funny, you obviously have too much time on your hands.

Its what spending 10 hours a day in an office does, got to keep myself sane or I will lose it otherwise. I get sent them every Friday by email, just cut and paste

[PJC]

Think of all the tracks you could be learning for when you retire in June.

How many weeks have got left?

Anymore track days booked?

[sonny]

I have 8 days leftat work, hmm wish I could retire, just a few months off.

Only one I have booked is in October, im looking at Cadwell park ad Ring for July.

[PJC]

I thought you were doing Brands GP

[ShaneyB]

Some of my chat up lines and other quips:

IS that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
"It's a gun, get your coat."
--
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Chloro"
"Chloro who?"
*thud*
"Chloroform"
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"Do you come here often?"
"No"
"You do, because I've been following you for the past 4 months."
--
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Ok"
"Barman, can I have a pint of water and a knife please. Get your coat."
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"Do you know what Rohypnol smells like?"
"No?"
"Good."
--
"Do you like jewelery?"
"Yes!"
"Suck this. It's a knife."
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"Have you got mirrors in your knickers?

'Cos I can see myself in 'em tonight.

Because I've got a knife."
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"I bet I end up having sex with you tonight."
"Oh yeah? How's that, then?"
"Because I'm much stronger than you."
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Start talking to the fat one in a group of girls - then tell her you have a knife. Works every time.
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Send a bottle of champagne over to her table. When she looks at you and smiles, call the waiter back over to your table and instruct him to go over, tell her he's got a knife and bring her to you.

Failsafe.
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"Quick, call 999!"
"Let me guess...because I've stolen your heart?"
"No, because i've got a knife."
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"You know what they say about beauty...it protects against all evil. Well, with you I feel really safe! Or perhaps I feel safe because I've got a knife."
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"Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir? J'ai un couteau."
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"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me if I held a knife to it?"
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"That's a nice dress - it would look great on my bedroom floor. Next to my knife."
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"Are your feet tired? 'Cos you've been running through my mind all day. Also because I chased you with my knife."
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"Somebody had better call God cos' he's missing an angel. Call the police too, I have a knife."
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"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or will I have to show you my knife?"
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"There are 206 bones in the human body. How about one more? Or a knife?"
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"I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight, but if you don't come home with me now, I will kill your family."
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"Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a knife, walk towards the door. Now."
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"If you looked into a mirror holding a dozen red roses....you would see the thirteen most beautiful things in the world. Also, me behind you with a knife."
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"Excuse me, but would you like to dance?"
"No."
"I'm sorry, you misheard me. I said that I've got a knife in my pants."
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Gesture with your finger to make a cute girl come over to you. When she does, say "If I can make you come with just my finger, imagine what I can make you do with this knife"
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REMEMBER - girls are impressed by guys with money:
"My pockets aren't big enough for both my money clip and the keys to my Aston Martin. But they're big enough for my knife."
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"I feel like Richard Gere - standing next to the Pretty Woman. Also, I feel like Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. I've got a <beep> huge knife."
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"You know, you look just like my first wife"
"I didn't know you'd been married"
"Sorry, did i say you look just like my wife? I meant I've got a knife. Get in the van."
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"Can you give me directions to your heart? I seem to have lost myself in your eyes. And also in case I have to use this knife."
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"Excuse me, but did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
"No"
"Good. I hope I don't have to ask you the same question again, but about being stabbed by this knife. Walk towards the door."
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"If I had a twelve inch penis would you come home with me?"
"No."
"Oh well, good job I have a twelve inch knife as well."
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"You're just a girl, and I'm just a boy...and this is just a knife. Get in the shower."
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Mav: "Actually, we've only done this, uh, twice"
Charlie: "Oh, how'd ya do?"
Mav: "Crashed and burned on the first one, it wasn't pretty"
Charlie: "And the second?"
Mav: "I don't know, I'll tell you tomorrow, now get in the van. Because I have a knife..."
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Hi!, M,30 Sheffield. GSOH, N/S likes arts, walks in the rain, vans, etc seeks F, 17 -40 similar tastes. You will reply to box no 6545 because I have a knife.
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Three women walking down the road, one has a red hat, one a has a blue hat and the third has a yellow hat. Which one will i sleep with tonight?

All of them. I have a knife.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint/ATM machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet Shop and they were £70!!! Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby.
She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said
‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea,
why don’t we have them in our country?'


I went to my geometry teachers stag do last night

He was gutted when a parallelogram turned up....


A man walks in to his vets...

“vet, Vet, help. My Parrots are stuck together!!!”

“What, I don’t understand, that's Toucanfusing”


A man is sitting at home with his wife and says,''I love you.''His wife asks,''Is it you or the beer talking.''He replies,''It's me..Talking to the beer.''

I beat my wife up this morning. I was up at 6.30, she was up at 7

Last night I dreamt I had rasta hair.
It was dreadful.


My granddad doesn't like fried chicken, but my Nandos.


I have just finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.

The results were staggering.


My wife accuses me of always being easily distracted

I almost...........



Went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female doctor, drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said don't worry I'm a professional, I've seen it all before, just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can.......
I said I think my c*ck tastes funny.



The other day I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack, and went up to the lake district. I walked for about five miles then I stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another five miles and stopped and had another flask...

Sh*t, sorry I'm rambling.