Jokes, first one is the best

[Pig]

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"




I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."



This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.



I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."



I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."



I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.



Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and
he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got
china in my hand."



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.



I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."



I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't
put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.



The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of
voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."



I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not
promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"




I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're
closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"



I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you
couldn't swing a cat in there.



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on
the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.



I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar". I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to
do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."



I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"