Clarkson Quotes

[jeffw]

I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like
having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got
even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."


"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book
of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish
really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you
find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind
of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet
fighter. And lots of jelly."


"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than
driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a
sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"


..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped
off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there
will be no war with Germany"


"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"


On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan
leather and I'm nursing a semi!"


Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's bottom'


On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t"
and its not "soot". Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?" Clarkson:"Oh
no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"


"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and
that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig
faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called
the Stig!"


"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian
transvestite"


"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what
gets you."


'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw'


"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable
than what... BEING STABBED?"


"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was
Adolf Hitler"


(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you
aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire,
you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have
to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not
that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""


(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful
to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"


Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some
of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction.
Run them down to prove them wrong'


"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled
up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and
drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced,
leaf-eating N**i"


"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair access"


1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit
dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr
Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes
which way her parents voted"


"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest
Ferrari of them all!"


On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force
crashing into a firework factory"


"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and
that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."


"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The
problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........" Hammond:"THAT bad is
it?" Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different
league!"


In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it
on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.


"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on
the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."


Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart.
now why didnt you spot that?!" Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288
mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the
phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion
walks in, I'm going to notice it!"


"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a
murderer."


"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be
on my plate at supper time"


"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"


"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's
like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be
shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up
of some bloke's sweaty face. "


"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."


"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"


Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.


Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more
attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis."

[Dom81]

Brilliant - thanks Jeff

[CliveH]

Absolute belters...!!!

Thanks for posting Jeff

[viperbl]

Well, that's finished off my working week perfectly!!!

Cheers Jeff

[NeilMc]

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and
that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig
faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called
the Stig!"

I was next to him when he said that.

I actually turned back into a school boy while typing that!

[W8PMC]

Top drawer.

[soapy_g]

Excellent scripts - you can almost hear him saying these quotes with the pauses and effects. Brilliant !