What's your favourite joke? ...

[SteveH]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court with divorce proceedings... Judge says to Mickey "Mr Mouse, I am struggling to understand that you are divorcing your wife on the grounds simply that she has wonkey teeth" to which mickey replies "No, I said she was F***ing Goofey!!".

[MarkB]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court with divorce proceedings... Judge says to Mickey "Mr Mouse, I am struggling to understand that you are divorcing your wife on the grounds simply that she has wonkey teeth" to which mickey replies "No, I said she was F***ing Goofey!!".

LOL I liked that one

[SteveH]

Long'un but a good'un :

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Phil: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh ! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er .. mmm .... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive.........thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker!

[SteveH]

On a roll... (clearly get too many joke emails at work)


I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...









...so I told her to f*** off.

[SteveH]

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

[SteveH]

Passengers are on board a holiday flight and are ready for take off. Two men dressed in Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white stick. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forth coming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the airport runway. The plane still does not take off and it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water - panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Reg, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[shineydave]

quality

[davs4]

What do you call a man with no shins???



Toe knee

[MCB]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[RS4Kev]

What's your favourite joke......

dealer prices


IGMC