Clarkson on the B8 RS 4

[Mr V10]

Jeremy Clarkson on the Audi RS 4 Avant
Jeremy Clarkson
Last updated December 23 2012 12:01AM

From a road-tester’s perspective, the good thing about Audi’s RS cars is that you never quite know what you’re going to get. Some are nearly as good as their rivals from BMW. Some are forgettable. Some are dire. And then we get to the car you see pictured this morning: the new RS 4 Avant. Which has just provided me with one of the worst weeks of my entire motoring life.
Bad is a small word that doesn’t even begin to cover the misery. Misery that was so all-consuming that, given the choice of using this car or taking the Tube, I would head straight for the escalator. Not just would. Did.
Day one involved a trip to a place called Stoke Newington that pretends to be in London but in reality is an hour north of the capital, just outside Hull. And straight away I knew there was something terribly wrong.
I have driven bumpy cars in the past. My own Mercedes is extremely firm. But the RS 4 was in a different league. It was like sitting in a spin-dryer that was not only on its final frantic cycle but also falling down a very long, boulder-strewn escarpment. I couldn’t begin to imagine what Audi’s engineers had been thinking of. The interior was typical of the breed. It had all the toys. All the features. So it didn’t look like a stripped-out racer. But that’s what it felt like every time I ran over a pothole or a Catseye or a sweet wrapper. It was, in short, a nicely finished brogue — with a drawing pin poking up through the sole. I hated it.
I tried to test some of the features, but so vigorous was the shaking that I gave up. I’d aim my finger at a button, but by the time it got there I’d have run over a bit of discarded chewing gum so it’d bounce off course and hit something else. Usually a bit of carbon fibre that had been added . . . to save weight.
That’s another issue with the RS 4. It felt like it was set up to scythe round Druids with no roll at all, and yet it weighs more than 1Ç tons. Some of that is muscle from the big V8. But most of it is fat.
And then the brakes started misbehaving. This meant that every time I pulled up, they made a sound exactly like I was running a wetted finger around a wine glass. This made passers-by look at me very crossly.
But the worst thing, by miles, was the steering. There’s absolutely no feel at all when you are going in a straight line. It’s so floppy, you actually begin to think, as you bump along, that it may be broken. And then, when you get to a corner, it suddenly becomes extremely heavy.
That’s why on day two I used the Tube and taxis to get around. But on day three I had to go to Luton, and then Chipping Norton. So I slipped into the same sort of padded underpants I’d wear when being beaten at school and headed north.
You may imagine I’m going to say things got better. But they didn’t. So violent was the bumping and so alarming was the steering that I stuck to 55mph on the M1. Listening to Radio 3. I’d wanted Radio 2 but my finger had cannoned off the roof, the wiper switch and various other bits and bobs before alighting in completely the wrong place.
What’s interesting is that wherever I went, squash-playing lunatics in other Audis and people on the street would bound over to ask what it was like. I can’t remember a car attracting so much interest. And all looked terribly deflated when I explained that it was utter, utter crap.
All weekend I didn’t drive it at all. Why would you? But then on Sunday night, with a heavy heart, I climbed back on board and set off back to London. As I drew near, it started to rain, so I reached for the wiper switch. Unfortunately I ran over a white line as I did this, and as a result my arm boinged into a button on the dash marked “drive select”.
And everything changed.
The steering suddenly developed some feel. The ride settled down. The revs dropped. The RS 4 stopped being a wild animal and became a car. It turns out that “drive select” alters the entire character of the machine. It changes the engine, the steering, the suspension and even the noises that come out of the tailpipe.
It’s there so you can tailor your car to suit your mood. Which does raise a question: what sort of mood was the delivery driver in when he left it at my house, set up to achieve a new lap record in the Saturn V engineering Shop?
I have never met anyone who would want, ever, to put their RS 4 in what’s called Dynamic mode. I can’t imagine such a creature exists. Because on all the other settings it’s a good car. So good that I rode into town on a wave of guilt and shame, remembering what I’d been telling people about it. And how they’d be better off with a diesel BMW. Or a pogo stick. Or some new shoes.
In Comfort mode it’s quiet, the steering is light, the seats are seductive and the double-clutch gearbox creamy and smooth. And because it’s so relaxing, you can sit back and enjoy the firepower from that big V8.
Unlike the engine in most modern performance cars, this one is not turbocharged. The upside of that is crispness and lots of hectic goings-on at the top of the rev band. The downside is that a polar bear could get a bit of asthma at some point in the very distant future. This was one of the world’s best engines when it was introduced six years ago. And nothing’s changed.
Handling? Well, in the past all Audis have been determined understeerers, partly because they were nose-heavy and partly because of the four-wheel-drive system. In this one much work has been done to shift some of the weight aft. And at the back there’s a locking diff. So now you have the grip, but when you get to the end of its tenacity, it’s the rear that starts to feel light, not the front. This, of course, is better, because if you go backwards into a tree, you don’t see it coming.
You could buy one of these cars, and, provided you never, ever, put it in Dynamic mode, you’d be very happy. Your dog would also like it because in the boot there’s a bit of equipment designed, in my mind, to stop him falling over. It works for shopping too.
However, I thought pretty much the same thing when I drove the original RS 4. I liked it very much indeed. But it was not quite as good as BMW’s M3. It lacked the Beemer’s liveliness and, ultimately, its speed.
The new RS 4 bridges the gap and is therefore quite a tempting proposition. But I can pretty much guarantee that as soon as you take delivery, BMW will launch a new version of the M3 and that will once again surge ahead. It was always thus, I’m afraid.

[stu]

It amuses me that he gets paid so much money to write utter <beep>.

Thank you for curing my insomnia.

[sonny]

lol



Hmmmm so, Long live the B7 RS 4?

[gangstarrrrr]

What a <beep>.

[ASH555]

lol



Hmmmm so, Long live the B7 RS 4?

Or use some common sense , JC is a total and utter D@@@head

[ecav]

You'd think that he would know that most cars these days, especially premium ones, have adjustable suspension (and steering and throttle response etc). And especially if testing cars is your job. And if he doesnt know, at least he should be embarrassed and not write about it... He is mocking himself not the rs4, good thing he didn't write that the seat was too close to the steering wheel and that the last day he realised the delivery driver was shorter than him and he could actually adjust the seat.

[Hedgehog Dodger]

It amuses me that he gets paid so much money to write utter <beep>.

Thank you for curing my insomnia.

Agree. But we are to blame for watching Top Gear. Its like footballers, they wouldnt be on so much if it were not for the fans.

[Nickyboy]

That review contained nothing except that he couldn't figure out drive select and therefore the car is awful. He is a bit of a muppet really.

[carsarecool]

That review contained nothing except that he couldn't figure out drive select and therefore the car is awful. He is a bit of a muppet really.

3 days to find drive select.....what an idiot....he gets worse with age....Alzheimers????. Its almost disrespectful to the brand. "M3 M3 M3 M3..." is that all he can come up with???

That was a very lazy piece of journalism.....Audi should be cross.

[HYFR]

Come on guys...it's called poetic license...he knows full well the car has drive select, he was merely explaining in a comical way how ridiculously harsh the ride is in full attack mode....probably how my R8 is with mag ride in Sports mode or the standard TTRS suspension..

Otherwise he actually said it's a good car

Until the turbo charged M4 comes along

[Brooner]

I found the comment about the ride strange as I found the dynamic setting very similar to the standard B7 set up

[Nickyboy]

I found the comment about the ride strange as I found the dynamic setting very similar to the standard B7 set up

And he adored the B7 if I remember correctly. I believe he raced the climber.

[Bacardi Jo]

It amuses me that he gets paid so much money to write utter <beep>.

Thank you for curing my insomnia.

Agree. But we are to blame for watching Top Gear. Its like footballers, they wouldnt be on so much if it were not for the fans.

I stopped watching top gear donkeys years ago when the donkey presenter[clarkson] became full of his own importance and developed a case of verbal Diarrhea which seems to be catching because sidekick hammond seems to be suffering with it aswell.The show is more about themselves and the stupid things they get up to rather than reviewing cars.i remember when fith gear started it was billed as the only motoring show with proper racing drivers as presenters.Clarkson can only dream of driving properly and in my opinion thats why he makes top gear the way it is,they should change the shows name to reverse gear which is more in keeping with clarkson.BACKWARD.

[Mr V10]

I found the comment about the ride strange as I found the dynamic setting very similar to the standard B7 set up

And he adored the B7 if I remember correctly. I believe he raced the climber.

Yeah, he did. He adored the B5 too. I like Jeremy Clarkson, you just need to take him as he is, his main aim is to entertain, not inform. BTW You need to have a subscription to The Sunday Times online to access this review, hence why I pasted it and if people were wandering why they couldn't find it.

[RSphantom]

Well good news all round then if the idiot Clarkson can only come up with this. He just doesn't like Audi's anymore since his allegiances changed around 4-5 years ago so if he can't actually say its rubbish the likelyhood is its very good. I'll never forget the review on the RS5 when that time he managed to leave the car in auto mode setting in D while chasing the M3 round the track, so he does know how it all works and wanted to make that car look bad. It's all the same, they can make anything look good or bad depending on their personal preferences so anything reviewed by Top Gear is taken with a pinch of salt as I see the programme as comedy rather than factual. Saying that though he always manages to create a reaction and in this case he's done it again, as somebody said before, if people keep watching and reading he will keep on doing it.